I've let very few people get close to me. And those few people have hurt me the worst.
Throughout lower school, my closest friend was Brittany, and no matter how many fights we got into, no matter how mad we got at each other, we both knew that it was all going to be okay, and that things between us were good. But after 7th grade, she had to leave my school, and we didn't talk for months. And she was the first friend I lost. The first one that meant so much to me, that I physically hurt when she left.
During that time, I had another great great friend named Helen. She and I had been going to the same school since Kindergarden, but never became friends until 5th grade. I went to her house more times that year then I had any of my other friends combined. We had a blast, we would play dolls, sing, dance, play computer games, and run around outside. But then her mother decided to pull her out of school for home schooling. We kept in touch, saw each other once in a while, but then our lives started getting busier and busier, and we heading off in opposite directions. But this one hadn't hurt as much, this one was more gradual.
In 6th grade, I found Christine, and she and I got along so well. Helen had introduced us the year before, but we never clicked until the next year, when we both lost our good friend. She and I could talk about movies and books for hours! Our favorites being books written by Tamora Pierce or the Lord of the Rings Movie Trilogy. Or we'd talk about boys, her obsession being Elijah Wood, and mine being Orlando Bloom or Viggo Mortensen. And through boy obsession, we found Tess.
Tess got us hooked on a not-so-little band called Greenday. And, boy were we obsessed. They had just come out with their album American Idiot, and we were crazy in love with them. After 8th grade, Christine's parents took her out of MPA, and Tess and I were left alone to fend for ourselves. She has been in and out of that major role for the past few years of my life, but when she needed me, I was there. Her brother had died last year, and I doubt that there was any time that we were closer. But we had both been drifting.
While drifting, I had found Julie, who I met in 7th grade, and she had entrusted me with her biggest secret, and I had been so deeply, honored, and we have been very close, and very open with each other since. But, she, like Tess, has always been in my life, but not fully there all the time.
And then came freshman year, and my depression had really kicked in. A wave of new people came, and Abby and I got fairly close. I was the first person to really talk to her, but I hadn't known that, but it had stuck with her. The next year, at our 10th grade respect retreat, she had told me how much that had meant to her. I was stunned, I never, in my life, would have thought that I would have that kind of affect on someone. But she, just like everyone else, faded away.
Sophomore year, I found Kelsey, I she stuck by my side through thick and thin. She was there to hold me when I broke down into tears at her house at 3am, after we had learned that Tess's brother had died; she was there when I needed someone to sit next to me, and help me finish assignments; she was there for me when I thought that the whole world had turned its back on me, and didn't cared if i failed; but she did, she always cared. (Kels, if you're reading this, yes I am crying). She was the light, the help that I needed when I was thinking about killing myself. She was everything that I needed, and was there for me when I needed it. Unfortunately, the next year, her close friend from her old school, Claire came, and the Kelsey I knew left me, when I was so desperately in need of her.
And then I found Jason, and I latched onto him as though my life depended on it. He had been in my life since 7th grade, but at the time, he was just an annoying little hyper friend to me. But now, he made me laugh when I was crying, he would tell me that I am important and that I do matter to the world. Both of us were going through hard times, but we managed alright. We would help each other out. And then Lydia came, and she just took him right out of my life. All of a sudden, I switched from defending him, to shouting, yelling, screaming, and ignoring him. Lydia is his life, and I understand that now.
All I wanted was for these people to be happy, and when it seemed like their lives without me would make them happier, I quietly bowed out. I've had friends taken from me too many times. But that's what I get for letting the wrong people get so close. I guess we all really have no one. No one who will always be there, no matter how hard I try, and how stable I think that we are, there's always something that wedges in. I just feel like I'm not important to anyone that way. I used to be so close to Christine, Tess, Julie, Kelsey; but then things changed. And I had to go to Jason, and PRAY that I could feel like that with him again. But then Lydia came, and now I don't have anyone like that. I don't have someone who will always be there for me, no matter what I say, or what I do, they always find some reason to go.
Quietly Yours,
~Andie
Listening to: Silence
