What's New?

Not much...

I'm a senior. I've gotten into my top two colleges (Gustavus and Augsburg) and now have to decide which one to go to... My grades are the norm (all A's but a D+ and a F, which are about to change). Just finished my second choir concert of the year (went well for Concert Choir, not so well for Women's Choral). Friends are the usual, there/not, full of drama and their own obsessions. One of my paintings (my mandala) has been entered into an art competition called the Les Farrington Best 100 Exhibition. So I am waiting to hear if it's made it past the "consideration" stage. Keep your fingers crossed for me! I am also very excited about the track season starting. I am ready to kick some butt, and OWN this season. I am also hoping that I can get my coach to consider me as a captain, but it's doubtful...

Christmas was fine, it was Christmas Eve that I didn't like so much. I was supposed to take my driver's test, but couldn't because my dad didn't have proof of insurance in the car.... Way to go dad... But I got some pretty awesome gifts, some EXTREMELY awesome gifts, and had a great time with my family.

I recently had a major lapse back into depression. There were quite a few close calls when it came to wanting to hurt myself or others (or actually hurting myself...) and it took WEEKS to convince my mother to get an appointment with my shrink. I told her how easily it was for me to get from annoyed to PISSED in nanoseconds. Turns out that I just needed to exercise more. I get all this built-up frustration from the school day, and if I just go home to sit and do more homework, I burst. So, I am now working out for at least 30 mins either at school on the track, or at home on the treadmill. I am looking forward to seeing myself after a few months of this, and seeing how stable my emotions are.

Oh, and I have a MAJOR crush (some might say obsession) with a new guy. And no, he's not a celebrity. Let's just call him Aze. He's a 6'4", 180 lbs., RIPPED, basketball player for the White Bear Basketball team, one of their best players, and certainly the hardest working one. He has 2 tattoos, brown eyes, brown buzz cut, a great smile and laugh, and I can't stop thinking about him. We've made eye contact once (maybe). I have now been to 7 of his games, and love every minute of them. I have actually started taking pictures at the games, and I have some REALLY cool shots of just about everyone on the team. I started going to these games because his assistant coach is my personal trainer. My PT likes it when a few of his friends/clients come to the game because then he feels like he has someone cheering for him too. I think I am so attracted to him because he is something so completely new and exciting. I have been gong to the same school with the same people for almost 13 years now, and everyone there feels like family. It would almost be incestuous to date one of them now....

So, to sum up, Aze has no idea who I am (he MIGHT be recognizing me from going to so many of his games), my PT knows that I have a crush on him, I have been basically trying to find out as much as I can about the guy, and I am a creeper in every way other than watching him sleep (a la Edward Cullen). My family is starting to worry about me.

Listening to: Black-Eyed Peas, Todd Agnew, The Rasmus, Green Day, and Apocalyptica

It's been a while

Not that too many people are reading this...

But I don't know where to begin...

I'm now a senior, and have all the stress that brings along with it. But that's just part of life.

I've gotten into one college, it isn't my top choice, but I'm glad that the pressure is off, and that I now know that I can get into college.

I currently have a major crush, but can't really do anything about it. I know for a fact that he just wants to be friends. Well, that's what my birdies tell me... I don't know wether to believe them or not. But there is just that something about him that makes me not want to give up...

Depression and anger have been a big problem for me lately, and I don't really know how to deal with it... I've tried just about everything. So far, for me, the best things are crying, writing, music, and exercising my self as hard as I can. I do that until I'm in pain. Those things only work sometimes. And the thing is, I'm tired of being sad. And I am so very tired of being angry. I've gotten to the point where I just want to shout at everyone in front of me. To scream myself into silence, to scream my pain away...

Your Disconcerted Friend

Listening to: My "Angry" Playlist

Friend One

I thought that I should give credit to all of my friends out there, and to do that, I'll create a blog entry dedicated to a random friend that day.  (These are in no specific order)

Todays friend: Brittany

First time I saw her- First day of Kindergarden at MPA, but we didn't know each other.

When we became friends- We met on the first day of first grade, in Mrs. Meland's class.  Now, I don't know exactly how we met, but from that day forth, until she left MPA, we were inseparable.

Why we became friends/stayed friends- We absolutely loved each other. We could/can relate on so many levels, we could talk about boys (changed to being mainly celebrities), our latest crushes (known to change daily), boyfriends, Disney World (and the other exciting parts of Disney and his movies), other movies (changed from cartoons to ones with our favorite actors- Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliff, Orlando Bloom, Rupert Grint; just to name a few), families, pets, school, grades, projects, favorite food (hers being chocolate, mine ever changing), sports, games (by that, I mean the Harry Potter computer games- which are AWESOME), and so much more.

Some of my greatest memories of her were after middle school dances.  For some reason, we would always end up at her house (never planning before hand, but I think our parents got used to it), in her queen-sized bed, writing back and forth in a journal about what had happened that night or the "current events" in our grade.  Memorable topics- how many times I tried to avoid my new crush (Gus), after leaving love notes in his locker- him tracking me down/becoming my boyfriend, how many times/how I had kissed said BF, what happened/how we broke up, how many times we danced with how many different boys, the good songs, my one on-going crush (John- who I doubt he even knows that I had a crush on him for about 5 years), her crush of the time (Jason), ratting on our enemies, and our girl friends.

We went to/worked at girl scout camps for years, side by side, laughing all the way.  We had each others backs through many a hard project through school.  Did arts and crafts, cooked, sang in choirs (she was always a first soprano, and I was always an alto).  We laughed, cried, and  complained together.

Most memorable moment-  (This is going to sound very dirty, but NONE of it was) When our 7th grade class took a trip to Washington DC, and I shared a room with Britt, Christine, and Tess (who I shall talk about later).  There were only two queen-sized beds, and we used the logic that, Brittany being the smallest, and I being the biggest, should share a bed, and Christine and Tess would share the other (seeing as we'd fit better this way).  Well, as most people who know me know, I move a lot in my sleep, and I sleep very hard, and this did not go well for poor Britt.  Even having shared a bed before, I had never moved as much as I did the first night there.  All I know was I feel asleep on one side of the bed (Britt on the other), and woke up about 3 am, with Brittany under me, and Christine and Tess laughing their heads off.  Let's just say, I rolled off, and we all laughed for 30 mins straight.

Lowest moment- When Britt and I were fighting.  When she left MPA, she still came to the dances, and one time, she didn't talk to me the whole night until I confronted her.  We both went away upset, and for about a year, I went on thinking she hated me, and she went on thinking I hated her.

Last time I saw her- We got together last weekend to go see the latest Johnny Depp and Christian Bale movie- Public Enemies.  We got there, and realized too late that she forgot her ID, and as it was rated R, we couldn't get tickets (as I am not 21, I could not buy for her).  So, we had a problem, we had come there to see this movie, but could not.  I very soon came to the conclusion that we would have to "see" another movie (aka- buy tickets to one movie, and sneak into Public Enemies)  So I purchased tickets to see GI Joe, which was playing at the same time as PE.  We go in, buy our foods, and walk to where GI Joe was playing, and came to the fact that PE was playing at the opposite side of the cinema.  So, giggling, we suck around the guy that had just checked our tickets, and ran to the correct theatre, and enjoyed the movie we came here to see.

I love this girl to death, and she has been beside me through so much, and has put up with so much from me.  I doubt that I would be who I am if I hadn't met her.

Reminiscing,

~Andie

Listening to: 50 Jokes in 4 Minutes

This Summer

Where can I start? So much has happened to me this summer, I was gone for more than half of it, I swear!

Well, I guess a good place to start would be the fact that I went out of the country for the first time in my life.  I went to Ecuador with my school.  I'd have to say that this was a once-in-a-lifetime things, and I am so glad that I did it.  The first week we did home stays in the capital Quito, went to school, and did touristy things around the capital.  Then we went to the Amazon, where we were put into groups, and you had to eat all meals and hike around with these groups.  I was the only girl in my group, and I had the time of my life.  The group of guys that I was with was totally awesome!  They really got me thinking about somethings, and made me realize what I really want in a guy, and that guy just so happens to have been right in front of me for the past 5/6 years.  (Sadly, I doubt he thinks of me that way, but you never know, right?)  And then we spent a week in the Galapagos on a yacht.  This had to be my least favorite part of the trip, but that may just be because I got seasick the first night, I never got to swim, and I thought all of the islands smelt like poop.... If I could do this trip over again, I totally would.

And then I got to go to Walla Walla, Washington and Portland, Oregon with my mom and my little sister.  I looked at the U of O, and I really want to go there, but I doubt that I'll be able to get in.

And just a few days later, my family (mom and sisters) took a road trip to Bayfield, WI.  We stayed at a friend's condo, and it was absolutely amazing.  I went sailing for the first time, among many other firsts on this trip.  I really hope to go there again.

But on the down side, I have had some real friend trouble this summer.  Everything from a friend not talking to me because I crossed the line by threatening his girlfriend, and now we are talking again, (which makes me SOOOOOOO HAPPY!) to having a friend stop talking to me for no reason, (but I know the reason.... I think) and then having a very close friend write about those closest to them, and not even mentioning me.

I am nothing without my friends, they are my life raft, I don't know what to do with this.  I guess I'm not as important to my friends as I thought...

Peace out,

~Andie

Listening to: The Beatles, Across the Universe

Texts

I know that I shouldn't have sent him this in a text, but I did:

Jason, I understand that all you want is to be happy, and for those you love to be happy.  That's all I want for you too, and obviously Lydia makes you happy.  I have been fighting over with what I should do, and I figured that yelling won't do anything, there is really only one other thing that I can think to do.  So, I am just going to step aside.  Lydia has won, you can tell her that she has won.  I don't hate you, honestly.  I love you, which is why I am willing to do this. So, goodbye.

And then he goes and shows her.

Pissed,

~Andie

Letting People In

I've let very few people get close to me.  And those few people have hurt me the worst.

Throughout lower school, my closest friend was Brittany, and no matter how many fights we got into, no matter how mad we got at each other, we both knew that it was all going to be okay, and that things between us were good.  But after 7th grade, she had to leave my school, and we didn't talk for months.  And she was the first friend I lost.  The first one that meant so much to me, that I physically hurt when she left.

During that time, I had another great great friend named Helen.  She and I had been going to the same school since Kindergarden, but never became friends until 5th grade.  I went to her house more times that year then I had any of my other friends combined.  We had a blast, we would play dolls, sing, dance, play computer games, and run around outside.  But then her mother decided to pull her out of school for home schooling.  We kept in touch, saw each other once in a while, but then our lives started getting busier and busier, and we heading off in opposite directions.  But this one hadn't hurt as much, this one was more gradual.

In 6th grade, I found Christine, and she and I got along so well.  Helen had introduced us the year before, but we never clicked until the next year, when we both lost our good friend.  She and I could talk about movies and books for hours!  Our favorites being books written by Tamora Pierce or the Lord of the Rings Movie Trilogy.  Or we'd talk about boys, her obsession being Elijah Wood, and mine being Orlando Bloom or Viggo Mortensen.  And through boy obsession, we found Tess.

Tess got us hooked on a not-so-little band called Greenday.  And, boy were we obsessed.  They had just come out with their album American Idiot, and we were crazy in love with them.  After 8th grade, Christine's parents took her out of MPA, and Tess and I were left alone to fend for ourselves.  She has been in and out of that major role for the past few years of my life, but when she needed me, I was there.  Her brother had died last year, and I doubt that there was any time that we were closer.  But we had both been drifting.

While drifting, I had found Julie, who I met in 7th grade, and she had entrusted me with her biggest secret, and I had been so deeply, honored, and we have been very close, and very open with each other since.  But, she, like Tess, has always been in my life, but not fully there all the time.

And then came freshman year, and my depression had really kicked in.  A wave of new people came, and Abby and I got fairly close.  I was the first person to really talk to her, but I hadn't known that, but it had stuck with her.  The next year, at our 10th grade respect retreat, she had told me how much that had meant to her.  I was stunned, I never, in my life, would have thought that I would have that kind of affect on someone.  But she, just like everyone else, faded away.

Sophomore year, I found Kelsey, I she stuck by my side through thick and thin.  She was there to hold me when I broke down into tears at her house at 3am, after we had learned that Tess's brother had died; she was there when I needed someone to sit next to me, and help me finish assignments; she was there for me when I thought that the whole world had turned its back on me, and didn't cared if i failed; but she did, she always cared. (Kels, if you're reading this, yes I am crying).  She was the light, the help that I needed when I was thinking about killing myself.  She was everything that I needed, and was there for me when I needed it.  Unfortunately, the next year, her close friend from her old school, Claire came, and the Kelsey I knew left me, when I was so desperately in need of her.

And then I found Jason, and I latched onto him as though my life depended on it.  He had been in my life since 7th grade, but at the time, he was just an annoying little hyper friend to me.  But now, he made me laugh when I was crying, he would tell me that I am important and that I do matter to the world.  Both of us were going through hard times, but we managed alright.  We would help each other out.  And then Lydia came, and she just took him right out of my life.  All of a sudden, I switched from defending him, to shouting, yelling, screaming, and ignoring him.  Lydia is his life, and I understand that now.

All I wanted was for these people to be happy, and when it seemed like their lives without me would make them happier, I quietly bowed out.  I've had friends taken from me too many times.  But that's what I get for letting the wrong people get so close.  I guess we all really have no one.  No one who will always be there, no matter how hard I try, and how stable I think that we are, there's always something that wedges in.  I just feel like I'm not important to anyone that way.  I used to be so close to Christine, Tess, Julie, Kelsey; but then things changed.  And I had to go to Jason, and PRAY that I could feel like that with him again.  But then Lydia came, and now I don't have anyone like that.  I don't have someone who will always be there for me, no matter what I say, or what I do, they always find some reason to go.

Quietly Yours,

~Andie

Listening to: Silence

Feeling Sick and Tired

Okay, there is just no other way of putting it: I am sick and tired of all this bullshit!

I'm sick of Jason and Lydia being unable to let go of each other for more than five seconds, how if they are in the same room, they can't be further than five feet apart from each other.  You guys are a couple, I get that, ANYONE WITH EYES GETS THAT!!  Have you ever heard the phrase, 'Get a room'?  Well, GO GET YOUR OWN SO MY EYES DON'T FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO BLEED!!! 

I'm tired of Mollie so pissed at every one, I am willing to bet my life that she doesn't know what or who she is mad at half the time!  She acts like the whole world is against her, when really, people just want to help her and make her happy.  Mollie, you HAVE friends, you have people that LOVE you and would DIE for you, STOP ACTING LIKE EVERYONE HATES YOU.  People WILL start hating you if you continue ignoring them, bitching at/about them, and being mad at them (for no reason).  You are bringing the fate upon yourself, the one that you think you have, but really, the one you don't have.

I'm sick of my friends.  Half of them don't even realize just how low I am, and most of them don't care, or they don't know what to do or how to help.  They ask me what they can do, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!  I don't even know fully why I am so down, so how am I supposed to tell you how to "help me", which I doubt that any of you can or want to.  I feel like pulling away, and I'm doing nothing to stop it, and neither are they.

Venting and Fuming,

~Andie

Listening to: Nothing