I take a ragged breath,
I call out for you, in pain,
Help me
You turn
I reach for you with shaking hands,
eyes watery and pleading with you to take them,
Help me
I'm sorry
you look at me in the eyes,
you turn and walk away,
Help me
I'm sorry,
I'm lost without you
I scream
Begging for forgiveness
Help me
I'm sorry,
I'm lost without you,
Help me find me
You held part of me
You completed my soul
You were part of me
I am nothing without you
Help me
I'm sorry,
I'm lost without you
You turned and walked away when I needed you most
You walked away from me,
Without a care in the world
You forgot me
Help me
I'm sorry
My hands fall to my side
I crumple to the ground
Tears pouring down my face
Wanting to sink into the earth
Never wanting to be seen again
Help me
I needed saving
I lay shuddering and shaking
Pleading to whom ever hears
HELP ME
SAVE ME
Rantings About Me
- Andie
- A very indecisive teen-aged girl. Blond, blue-eyed, 5'9" I have a HUGE family, not to mention, complicated. I have two full-blooded sisters (shown as the two brown-haired women in the picture), one older, one younger; an older half brother, an older half sister, and an older step sister
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Guilty
Okay, what I said earlier about my friends' relationship, I feel really bad for saying the things that I said. What I said was not true and down right mean. It took a conversation with Lydia to make me realize that I really miss Jason as a friend:
L- jason will be back on monday (yay) u can talk to him too
A- yay!
L- mhm
A- now that you mention it, i kind of miss him too
L- yeah does your stomach hurt too?
A- no, not really
L- oh ok
A- i just miss talking to him
L- me too
A- mhm well, at least we can talk to each other, right?
L- mhm, are you still mad at him btw?
A- no, and i was never mad
L- oh
A- what?
L- you were never mad?
A- nope
L- but you thought he was ignoring you... and you were mad..
A- no, i was just frustrated and disappointed
L- because you thought he was ignoring you ?
A- no, well, somewhat
L- because of what happened at the dance?
A- no, well, sorta yeah
L- yeah, and because you thought he didnt talk to you as much anymore?
sorta and (like kelsey) were you afraid that im going to hurt him like claire did?
was it all of those combined?
A- yeah, sorta
L- yeah, i'm just glad kelsey understands now
A- what makes you think that i don't?
L- we had a deep conversation, were good now, well, i never said you didn't, i'm not sure
A- okay, how can i show you that i understand and him?
L- mk, i'll show you from his point of view:
to him, you insulted him, and then insulted me, and then ignored him. so he was mad at you for that still. and then you kept ignoring him, and he was getting "fed up" with you being friends, and then randomly ignoring him. so he wasn't mad, but he said he just needed some space for a little while.
and now he wants to be friends, and he says you are still ignoring him...
and he says you want him to say sorry
but he doesn't know what to apologize for
A- how does he not know what to apologize for with me, and know what to say sorry for with Kelsey
L- i talked to kelsey, and she actually apologized to him, then he apologized, now they arent fighting anymore
and i learned how much kelsey actually cares about him as a friend when i talked to her
A- okay
L- (its a lot, btw) just saying
A- yeah, i know, and he's a great friend to me as well
L- mhm
A- i miss him so much
L- me too
A- it hurt so much when i was frustrated with him, it was easier to tell myself that i didn't need him as a friend, and when i had those feelings, those filled up the space that he left
you know?
only when i started to calm down did i realize how much i must have actually hurt him
and then the full of it hit me
i didn't just lose a friend
he was so much more to me
and i really messed that up
L- what do you mean? like he helped with problems and stuff?
he's good at that
that, and he listened to me when i just needed someone to listen to me
and when i asked for help
yeah
he would help
yeah
he really is perfect, isnt he?
yeah, i know
you dont need to remind me, i know how lucky i am to have him
*smiles* and you are really lucky to have you
hmm?
*to have him
damn train of thought going faster than my hands can type
haha
yeah, i know. i dont know what i did to deserve him, but whatever it is im thankful for it every day
*sigh*
i miss him so much
and talking with you these past week has made me realize that he is really lucky to have you as well
hmm?
he's lucky to have you as a girl friend
i see how happy you make him
and i am so thankful for that
after what he went through, he deserves to be happy
thank you
mhm
and i'm sorry that i didn't see that sooner
thank you
will you forgive me?
no reason to, i was never mad
okay
but thank you
and i promise, i will never hurt him like claire did
for that matter, i will never hurt at all
hurt him*
damn i'm tired
anyway, he is the most import person in the world to me and i promise to take care of him
thank you, that means so much to me
and i like to think that i make him happy too
but i want to be more than just the person who makes him happy... i want to be the one he can talk to, the one who is always there for him, the person he can trust, the one who will trust him, i want to be the kind of person who will always tell the truth, and the one who will help him when he is sad, and the one who will be happy for him when his life is good. i want to be the one who makes sure he is never alone, and the one who will take care of him.
and i am trying to make all of these things happen
well, i hope you know that i hope to be that person too
but i think i'll leave the physical part to you, if you don't mind
haha thanks
L- jason will be back on monday (yay) u can talk to him too
A- yay!
L- mhm
A- now that you mention it, i kind of miss him too
L- yeah does your stomach hurt too?
A- no, not really
L- oh ok
A- i just miss talking to him
L- me too
A- mhm well, at least we can talk to each other, right?
L- mhm, are you still mad at him btw?
A- no, and i was never mad
L- oh
A- what?
L- you were never mad?
A- nope
L- but you thought he was ignoring you... and you were mad..
A- no, i was just frustrated and disappointed
L- because you thought he was ignoring you ?
A- no, well, somewhat
L- because of what happened at the dance?
A- no, well, sorta yeah
L- yeah, and because you thought he didnt talk to you as much anymore?
sorta and (like kelsey) were you afraid that im going to hurt him like claire did?
was it all of those combined?
A- yeah, sorta
L- yeah, i'm just glad kelsey understands now
A- what makes you think that i don't?
L- we had a deep conversation, were good now, well, i never said you didn't, i'm not sure
A- okay, how can i show you that i understand and him?
L- mk, i'll show you from his point of view:
to him, you insulted him, and then insulted me, and then ignored him. so he was mad at you for that still. and then you kept ignoring him, and he was getting "fed up" with you being friends, and then randomly ignoring him. so he wasn't mad, but he said he just needed some space for a little while.
and now he wants to be friends, and he says you are still ignoring him...
and he says you want him to say sorry
but he doesn't know what to apologize for
A- how does he not know what to apologize for with me, and know what to say sorry for with Kelsey
L- i talked to kelsey, and she actually apologized to him, then he apologized, now they arent fighting anymore
and i learned how much kelsey actually cares about him as a friend when i talked to her
A- okay
L- (its a lot, btw) just saying
A- yeah, i know, and he's a great friend to me as well
L- mhm
A- i miss him so much
L- me too
A- it hurt so much when i was frustrated with him, it was easier to tell myself that i didn't need him as a friend, and when i had those feelings, those filled up the space that he left
you know?
only when i started to calm down did i realize how much i must have actually hurt him
and then the full of it hit me
i didn't just lose a friend
he was so much more to me
and i really messed that up
L- what do you mean? like he helped with problems and stuff?
he's good at that
that, and he listened to me when i just needed someone to listen to me
and when i asked for help
yeah
he would help
yeah
he really is perfect, isnt he?
yeah, i know
you dont need to remind me, i know how lucky i am to have him
*smiles* and you are really lucky to have you
hmm?
*to have him
damn train of thought going faster than my hands can type
haha
yeah, i know. i dont know what i did to deserve him, but whatever it is im thankful for it every day
*sigh*
i miss him so much
and talking with you these past week has made me realize that he is really lucky to have you as well
hmm?
he's lucky to have you as a girl friend
i see how happy you make him
and i am so thankful for that
after what he went through, he deserves to be happy
thank you
mhm
and i'm sorry that i didn't see that sooner
thank you
will you forgive me?
no reason to, i was never mad
okay
but thank you
and i promise, i will never hurt him like claire did
for that matter, i will never hurt at all
hurt him*
damn i'm tired
anyway, he is the most import person in the world to me and i promise to take care of him
thank you, that means so much to me
and i like to think that i make him happy too
but i want to be more than just the person who makes him happy... i want to be the one he can talk to, the one who is always there for him, the person he can trust, the one who will trust him, i want to be the kind of person who will always tell the truth, and the one who will help him when he is sad, and the one who will be happy for him when his life is good. i want to be the one who makes sure he is never alone, and the one who will take care of him.
and i am trying to make all of these things happen
well, i hope you know that i hope to be that person too
but i think i'll leave the physical part to you, if you don't mind
haha thanks
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Inside
So many secrets,
So many lies.
It's all I can do to keep them inside.
Some belonging to my friends,
But so many more that are my own.
They fester there,
Breaking me from the inside, out.
Filling my head with thoughts that shouldn't belong.
Pulling me away from the ones that I love.
Filling my body with emotions unknown.
Taking over my soul.
So many lies.
It's all I can do to keep them inside.
Some belonging to my friends,
But so many more that are my own.
They fester there,
Breaking me from the inside, out.
Filling my head with thoughts that shouldn't belong.
Pulling me away from the ones that I love.
Filling my body with emotions unknown.
Taking over my soul.
Because
"What?"
The simplest of questions.
I just wanted to talk to you.
"What do you want to talk about?"
What is asked in awkward moments.
Anything you want.
"What should I do?"
The classic question, asking for advice.
Do what you want to.
"What do you suggest that I do?!"
Something that is constantly asked,
but is never answered in a way that the questioner wants.
Do what you think is best.
"What do you want me to do?!"
The question that might be the end.
Smile, laugh, be happy.
"What do you want from me?!"
I hear that day in, day out.
I want nothing but your friendship.
"Why?"
Another one of those simple questions,
But harder to answer.
Because you mean something to me.
"Why me?"
A question that everyone wants the answer to.
Why not you?
"How?"
The question that doesn't always have an answer.
You have made an impact on my life.
You are my world.
The simplest of questions.
I just wanted to talk to you.
"What do you want to talk about?"
What is asked in awkward moments.
Anything you want.
"What should I do?"
The classic question, asking for advice.
Do what you want to.
"What do you suggest that I do?!"
Something that is constantly asked,
but is never answered in a way that the questioner wants.
Do what you think is best.
"What do you want me to do?!"
The question that might be the end.
Smile, laugh, be happy.
"What do you want from me?!"
I hear that day in, day out.
I want nothing but your friendship.
"Why?"
Another one of those simple questions,
But harder to answer.
Because you mean something to me.
"Why me?"
A question that everyone wants the answer to.
Why not you?
"How?"
The question that doesn't always have an answer.
You have made an impact on my life.
You are my world.
We'll Be There, Forever and For Always
Dear Jason,
What can I say? What do you want to hear?
You want to hear that I support you, you and your decision to put this girl you just started going out with over your friends. You want us to accept Lydia, for us to treat her nicely, or at least with respect. You want us to put up with you making out in the commons, to accept the way that you are "balancing" you life.
I know what you want to hear, but what you want to hear is something that I cannot say without speaking the truth.
We were there for you when you needed someone. When you felt like you were broken into tiny pieces, we were there. All those times you vented and yelled at me, I took it, I let you insult me, knowing that in doing so would make you feel better. When you would drink, punch the walls, or drive fast to get your anger out; we were there to understand. When we warned you that you were going to get hurt, we still backed you up when you decided to do it anyway. When you realized that your decision was wrong, your friends were the ones that didn't say "I told you so." When we asked you to slow down, and not to take too much at once. We stood beside you when, once again, you didn't take our advice. I was there when you asked me to pick a side when your relationship went downhill, and I stood by your side, even though I had become a friend in her. It was you, Jason, that I came to for advice because I knew that I could trust you. You could talk to me about anything, and I wouldn't judge you, no matter what. I did all of these things for you because you are important to me, and you mean something to me.
Why are you completely destroying your relationships for this one girl? Your friends that you have had for what feels like a lifetime, and made memories with. We have done so much for you. She may mean a lot to you now, but who do you picture yourself with, years down the road? She wasn't there when you suffered or when you were in pain. Think about this, Jase, think about it hard. The thing is, I don't think that you realize this, I doubt that you can realize this, not yet, anyways, but you will.
You are like family to me, Jase, but I feel like you are just taking that relationship for granted. No matter what, I will always be there for you, through thick and thin, good times and bad times. But you are right, this is your decision, and I am not here to judge. I am done being mad, Jason, I am done judging you, I am hurt, and all I want to do is cry.
I will be there for you when this relationship takes a turn for the worse, when your heart falls into little pieces again. I will be there to defend you when people say, "I told you so." Trust me, this day will come. When it does, I will be there for you, and I hope that your other friends will be too.
What can I say? What do you want to hear?
You want to hear that I support you, you and your decision to put this girl you just started going out with over your friends. You want us to accept Lydia, for us to treat her nicely, or at least with respect. You want us to put up with you making out in the commons, to accept the way that you are "balancing" you life.
I know what you want to hear, but what you want to hear is something that I cannot say without speaking the truth.
We were there for you when you needed someone. When you felt like you were broken into tiny pieces, we were there. All those times you vented and yelled at me, I took it, I let you insult me, knowing that in doing so would make you feel better. When you would drink, punch the walls, or drive fast to get your anger out; we were there to understand. When we warned you that you were going to get hurt, we still backed you up when you decided to do it anyway. When you realized that your decision was wrong, your friends were the ones that didn't say "I told you so." When we asked you to slow down, and not to take too much at once. We stood beside you when, once again, you didn't take our advice. I was there when you asked me to pick a side when your relationship went downhill, and I stood by your side, even though I had become a friend in her. It was you, Jason, that I came to for advice because I knew that I could trust you. You could talk to me about anything, and I wouldn't judge you, no matter what. I did all of these things for you because you are important to me, and you mean something to me.
Why are you completely destroying your relationships for this one girl? Your friends that you have had for what feels like a lifetime, and made memories with. We have done so much for you. She may mean a lot to you now, but who do you picture yourself with, years down the road? She wasn't there when you suffered or when you were in pain. Think about this, Jase, think about it hard. The thing is, I don't think that you realize this, I doubt that you can realize this, not yet, anyways, but you will.
You are like family to me, Jase, but I feel like you are just taking that relationship for granted. No matter what, I will always be there for you, through thick and thin, good times and bad times. But you are right, this is your decision, and I am not here to judge. I am done being mad, Jason, I am done judging you, I am hurt, and all I want to do is cry.
I will be there for you when this relationship takes a turn for the worse, when your heart falls into little pieces again. I will be there to defend you when people say, "I told you so." Trust me, this day will come. When it does, I will be there for you, and I hope that your other friends will be too.
Nothingness
Here goes nothing...
No,
Here goes everything.
Happiness, Pain, Joy
Seclusion, Friendship, Loneliness
Love, Hate
Here goes all emotion
Emptiness
Vast nothingness
Inside me
My thoughts echoing around inside me
No noise to hear
No voice to cry out with
No pain and no happiness
What is there that is left?
NOTHING
I have nothing
I am nothing
All I want is to feel something
ANYTHING!
Pain, Suffering, Disgust, Sickness
All I wish for is to be simple
Friendship, Laughter,
Human touch
I am asking too much,
I cannot get what I wish for,
Wishing is for those who cannot want,
Wishing is for those who have nothing left.
I cannot wish,
Even though I have nothing
No,
Here goes everything.
Happiness, Pain, Joy
Seclusion, Friendship, Loneliness
Love, Hate
Here goes all emotion
Emptiness
Vast nothingness
Inside me
My thoughts echoing around inside me
No noise to hear
No voice to cry out with
No pain and no happiness
What is there that is left?
NOTHING
I have nothing
I am nothing
All I want is to feel something
ANYTHING!
Pain, Suffering, Disgust, Sickness
All I wish for is to be simple
Friendship, Laughter,
Human touch
I am asking too much,
I cannot get what I wish for,
Wishing is for those who cannot want,
Wishing is for those who have nothing left.
I cannot wish,
Even though I have nothing
3rd Wheel
Sometimes I feel like I just get in the way of things, like I'm the third wheel, the odd person out, that person that makes it one-to-many.
In Chemistry, my lab partners and I will be doing a lab, but they do everything. Labs are my favorite part of Chemistry, but I can never do any of the work, and when they get the information, they don't even bother to tell me what they got. Then they start acting like they are frustrated with me for not doing any of the work, but how is that my fault?! When I offer my help, they are all like, "No, it's okay, we've got it." So, by the time I get the information that I need for the lab, the lab is already late, and I don't know how to write the conclusion because I have no idea what happened or what caused it to happen!
It happens when I hang out with friends, or when we have discussions, ANYTHING, I am the only "lifer" in my friend group, and they all seem to have known each other from somewhere before MPA. I don't share the same memories that they already have together, but if I can't make my own with them, how could I not become a third wheel? This happens even at home, my mom always sides with one of my sisters (never me, everything is always my fault) my dad and step mom are always teamed together, and my sisters J and M always gang up on me when there is an argument coming around. I'm getting tired of it, I need to find someone or some group where I won't feel like the odd-man-out.
Out,
~Andie
Listening to: Flames and POPs in the Chemistry Lab
In Chemistry, my lab partners and I will be doing a lab, but they do everything. Labs are my favorite part of Chemistry, but I can never do any of the work, and when they get the information, they don't even bother to tell me what they got. Then they start acting like they are frustrated with me for not doing any of the work, but how is that my fault?! When I offer my help, they are all like, "No, it's okay, we've got it." So, by the time I get the information that I need for the lab, the lab is already late, and I don't know how to write the conclusion because I have no idea what happened or what caused it to happen!
It happens when I hang out with friends, or when we have discussions, ANYTHING, I am the only "lifer" in my friend group, and they all seem to have known each other from somewhere before MPA. I don't share the same memories that they already have together, but if I can't make my own with them, how could I not become a third wheel? This happens even at home, my mom always sides with one of my sisters (never me, everything is always my fault) my dad and step mom are always teamed together, and my sisters J and M always gang up on me when there is an argument coming around. I'm getting tired of it, I need to find someone or some group where I won't feel like the odd-man-out.
Out,
~Andie
Listening to: Flames and POPs in the Chemistry Lab
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
This Damn Week
This week has been going from bad to worse.
I didn't know that we were going to have a test in Lit until 5 minutes before the class started.
I didn't study for the test.
I lost ALL of my notes and analysis for my paper that is due at the end of the week.
I have to research/write the paper.
I have to study for the final on Thursday.
We started a new, complicated lab in Chemistry.
I have to finish two tests in Chem.
I have to study for the final on Thursday.
When I got home, I realized that I wore TWO DIFFERENT PAIRS OF SHOES TO SCHOOL!!!!
I have a performance today in Modern Theater that my partner Kelsey and I have only really run through it once.
My friend is dating a fucking annoying whore.
No matter what I do, or where I go, I feel like I'm about to cry, and I don't understand why.
Someone PLEASE help me out of this misery?
~Andie
Listening to: Nothing, I'm in class
I didn't know that we were going to have a test in Lit until 5 minutes before the class started.
I didn't study for the test.
I lost ALL of my notes and analysis for my paper that is due at the end of the week.
I have to research/write the paper.
I have to study for the final on Thursday.
We started a new, complicated lab in Chemistry.
I have to finish two tests in Chem.
I have to study for the final on Thursday.
When I got home, I realized that I wore TWO DIFFERENT PAIRS OF SHOES TO SCHOOL!!!!
I have a performance today in Modern Theater that my partner Kelsey and I have only really run through it once.
My friend is dating a fucking annoying whore.
No matter what I do, or where I go, I feel like I'm about to cry, and I don't understand why.
Someone PLEASE help me out of this misery?
~Andie
Listening to: Nothing, I'm in class
THAT'S IT!
Okay, I'm done, I'm not going to stand for this anymore.
Jason, I'm sorry, but you have this coming to you, and you have for a LONG time.
What you have done hasn't offended me, it pisses me off. You think that you can treat your friends the way you have been, you DISGUST me! When a new girl comes around, and you start going out with her, you do NOT just leave your friends in the dust and put her feelings first. I personally think, and I know that I am not the only one who thinks this, is that, if your friends don't like who you are dating, you shouldn't date her. And it's not like only some of them are annoyed by her, but ALL of them are.
Here is a lovely conversation that Jason had with my friend Kelsey last night:
3/9/09, 9:41 PM
K-hey
J-hi
K-so watcha doin?
J-being ripped on by andie, AGAIN (Sorry for expressing my opinion, everyone is thinking the same thing, only I have the guts to bring it to your attention)
K-*raises eyebrow*
J-well, dont tell her that i told you this, but shes complaining about lydia, AGAIN
J-i get that you and her and claire dont really like lydia, but at least you can give it a rest
this is getting to the point where i cant even stand talking to her
K-ok... but is there maybe some truth to what andie is saying?
J-yes, there is, sorta (Sorta? Just sorta? IT'S THE WHOLE TRUTH, MY LITTLE MAN!!)
J-but what shes asking me to do is too much
K-what exactly is she asking u to do?
J-basically dump lydia (I have never said that, and I would never, EVER ask him to do that)
K-ok so im not trying to say u should dump her or whatever cuz i am glad that ur happy if its with her, then i can deal with that
K-but what did u do at the dance?
J-we just danced
J-and kissed, a few times(A few times? You guys were practically glued at the hips, hands, and lips)
K-and who did u talk to at the dance?
J-unlike claire she actually likes to do things together
J-uh, JJ, PK, AL, SA, AS, GL, KR, MH, JB, CB, N, K..... (Jason, you only said hi to those people, and told them that Lydia was your fucking girl friend)(Oh, you should also know, John is very mad at you for that)
J-lydia, BY, AH, BH.....
J-the list goes on and on (Maybe you should make a list of people that you said more than 10 words to them the entire night, oh wait, THERE ISN'T ONE)
J-and to answer your next question, andrea was NOWHERE to be seen, i was on the dance floor the whole time, DANCING, like you do, at a DANCE (Okay, Jason, I was right by the front door, and yes, you did talk to me, you asked me, "Where is she?" and that was it, I was dancing withing 5 feet of you the ENTIRE night, I saw everything you and L did, and I wanted to throw up!)
K-i didnt even ask
J-that night was essentially a date for L and i, sorry if i offended anyone by that (No, last night was a night for the entire high school, if you call that a date, you are a sad, sad person, and a lame date. You offended no one, just made a TON of people mad)
Jason, I am happy for you for finding someone new that you care about, but you seem to be leaving your friends in the dust, the ones that normally are there for you. I want you to step back, and look at what you are doing, at this rate, you will have no one left to be there for you, either to pick up the pieces from the breakup (like we have done in the past), or even to be there for you to just hang out with. I am going to try something, it may end up being perminant, and it may not be, but I'm going to stop talking to you, and going to try to stop hanging around you, see if you notice.... Think about it Jason, what means more to you, this one girl that you just recently started to go out with, or your entire group of friends. I'm not saying that you should dump her, but get your priorities straight, which, when it's all said and done, would you rather have there to back you?
Pissed off,
~Andie
Listening to: Nothing, too furious to even PICK music
Jason, I'm sorry, but you have this coming to you, and you have for a LONG time.
What you have done hasn't offended me, it pisses me off. You think that you can treat your friends the way you have been, you DISGUST me! When a new girl comes around, and you start going out with her, you do NOT just leave your friends in the dust and put her feelings first. I personally think, and I know that I am not the only one who thinks this, is that, if your friends don't like who you are dating, you shouldn't date her. And it's not like only some of them are annoyed by her, but ALL of them are.
Here is a lovely conversation that Jason had with my friend Kelsey last night:
3/9/09, 9:41 PM
K-hey
J-hi
K-so watcha doin?
J-being ripped on by andie, AGAIN (Sorry for expressing my opinion, everyone is thinking the same thing, only I have the guts to bring it to your attention)
K-*raises eyebrow*
J-well, dont tell her that i told you this, but shes complaining about lydia, AGAIN
J-i get that you and her and claire dont really like lydia, but at least you can give it a rest
this is getting to the point where i cant even stand talking to her
K-ok... but is there maybe some truth to what andie is saying?
J-yes, there is, sorta (Sorta? Just sorta? IT'S THE WHOLE TRUTH, MY LITTLE MAN!!)
J-but what shes asking me to do is too much
K-what exactly is she asking u to do?
K-ok so im not trying to say u should dump her or whatever cuz i am glad that ur happy if its with her, then i can deal with that
K-but what did u do at the dance?
J-we just danced
J-and kissed, a few times(A few times? You guys were practically glued at the hips, hands, and lips)
K-and who did u talk to at the dance?
J-unlike claire she actually likes to do things together
J-uh, JJ, PK, AL, SA, AS, GL, KR, MH, JB, CB, N, K..... (Jason, you only said hi to those people, and told them that Lydia was your fucking girl friend)(Oh, you should also know, John is very mad at you for that)
J-lydia, BY, AH, BH.....
J-the list goes on and on (Maybe you should make a list of people that you said more than 10 words to them the entire night, oh wait, THERE ISN'T ONE)
J-and to answer your next question, andrea was NOWHERE to be seen, i was on the dance floor the whole time, DANCING, like you do, at a DANCE (Okay, Jason, I was right by the front door, and yes, you did talk to me, you asked me, "Where is she?" and that was it, I was dancing withing 5 feet of you the ENTIRE night, I saw everything you and L did, and I wanted to throw up!)
K-i didnt even ask
J-that night was essentially a date for L and i, sorry if i offended anyone by that (No, last night was a night for the entire high school, if you call that a date, you are a sad, sad person, and a lame date. You offended no one, just made a TON of people mad)
Jason, I am happy for you for finding someone new that you care about, but you seem to be leaving your friends in the dust, the ones that normally are there for you. I want you to step back, and look at what you are doing, at this rate, you will have no one left to be there for you, either to pick up the pieces from the breakup (like we have done in the past), or even to be there for you to just hang out with. I am going to try something, it may end up being perminant, and it may not be, but I'm going to stop talking to you, and going to try to stop hanging around you, see if you notice.... Think about it Jason, what means more to you, this one girl that you just recently started to go out with, or your entire group of friends. I'm not saying that you should dump her, but get your priorities straight, which, when it's all said and done, would you rather have there to back you?
Pissed off,
~Andie
Listening to: Nothing, too furious to even PICK music
Monday, March 9, 2009
Screaming
I feel like crying. I feel like curling up and dying.
I have no idea what to do anymore, I haven't even started writing the paper that is due on Friday, I have to analyze, create a thesis, get it okayed with my teacher, research, write my paper, get it edited by my peer editors, edit it, give it to my teacher to edit, edit it again, and then turn it in. I really don't think that I can do it, ever time that I think about it, I feel like I am going to explode!
I am in WAY over my head. I can't go more then a few steps, a few minutes, with out feeling like I am about to cry in front of everyone.
I feel like that, every decision that I make, is the wrong one, a bad one, and no matter what I do, I can't go back on it, I can't undo what I did. But for whatever stupid reason, I find myself unable to ask for help, and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper.
Help!
~Andie
Listening to: Nada
I have no idea what to do anymore, I haven't even started writing the paper that is due on Friday, I have to analyze, create a thesis, get it okayed with my teacher, research, write my paper, get it edited by my peer editors, edit it, give it to my teacher to edit, edit it again, and then turn it in. I really don't think that I can do it, ever time that I think about it, I feel like I am going to explode!
I am in WAY over my head. I can't go more then a few steps, a few minutes, with out feeling like I am about to cry in front of everyone.
I feel like that, every decision that I make, is the wrong one, a bad one, and no matter what I do, I can't go back on it, I can't undo what I did. But for whatever stupid reason, I find myself unable to ask for help, and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper.
Help!
~Andie
Listening to: Nada
Friday, March 6, 2009
Something new for you to try
This may not sound fun to most people, but those who know me, won't be very shocked...
Walking BAREFOOT in the SNOW
You'd be surprised at just how good it feels! I missed walking around out side with bare feet, so I thought, why can't I? So, I did, and I think I scared a few people, but, really, it was AWESOME!!
You should not go through with out at least trying this fun little thing to do.
(DISCLAIMER: I have abnormally high body temperature for humans, if my mother did not threaten to hide my sandles/actually hide them, I would wear them all year long; if my friends are cold, they come and hug me, no joke)
Listening to: Lower schoolers play the drums
OUT!
~Andie
Walking BAREFOOT in the SNOW
You'd be surprised at just how good it feels! I missed walking around out side with bare feet, so I thought, why can't I? So, I did, and I think I scared a few people, but, really, it was AWESOME!!
You should not go through with out at least trying this fun little thing to do.
(DISCLAIMER: I have abnormally high body temperature for humans, if my mother did not threaten to hide my sandles/actually hide them, I would wear them all year long; if my friends are cold, they come and hug me, no joke)
Listening to: Lower schoolers play the drums
OUT!
~Andie
Yeah, okay, my life officially sucks
There is really just no other way to put it, my life SUCKS!!
I just took a chemistry test that I did not study for, and I am pretty sure that I failed epically.
I had my first meeting with my college councilor, and it was the most awkward thing in the world, I felt like she wouldn't shut up! She would just ramble on and on about basically nothing, it felt very repetitive, not to mention, I had the stupid class right after it. So, basically, I had a bunch of stuff thrown at me, that, really, I already knew.
I am pretty sure that my boyfriend is avoiding me now, I think he suspects something, and I don't know what to do about it! How can I break up with him if I can't FIND him, let alone, TALK to him.
If anyone has ANY suggestions on what I should do, that would be GREAT!
I just want Spring Break to be here, and for finals to be over and done with. Not to mention my break up.
Listening to: Nothing, I'm sitting in the hall, and I can't really listen to any whilst sitting where I am.
Peace,
~Andie
I just took a chemistry test that I did not study for, and I am pretty sure that I failed epically.
I had my first meeting with my college councilor, and it was the most awkward thing in the world, I felt like she wouldn't shut up! She would just ramble on and on about basically nothing, it felt very repetitive, not to mention, I had the stupid class right after it. So, basically, I had a bunch of stuff thrown at me, that, really, I already knew.
I am pretty sure that my boyfriend is avoiding me now, I think he suspects something, and I don't know what to do about it! How can I break up with him if I can't FIND him, let alone, TALK to him.
If anyone has ANY suggestions on what I should do, that would be GREAT!
I just want Spring Break to be here, and for finals to be over and done with. Not to mention my break up.
Listening to: Nothing, I'm sitting in the hall, and I can't really listen to any whilst sitting where I am.
Peace,
~Andie
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Wow...
I'm pretty sure that I just learned more about a guy in one hour than I did with my 7-month boyfriend, just by playing 20 Questions! What does that mean? That this guy is deeper, and that my boyfriend is just shallow? Or has this guy just had more happen to him in his life?
I am really glad to have been with my boyfriend, but my feelings for him are gone, and he deserves to be with someone that adores him for who he is. I felt like either I had to change myself, or he had to change himself so our relationship could work, and that just isn't fair.
This guy has brought out a side of me that I haven't seen for a while, and that I've missed. I don't think that he even knows that, we never even talked that much before about a week ago.... We've only had one class together. But there's something about him, I don't know what it is, but I feel like he's actually listening to me.
Well, I have to go again, I think my Dad will be turning the net off soonish, so talk some more tomorrow!
Love you all!
Listening to: This Time Imperfect- A.F.I., Snow (Hey Oh)- Chili Peppers, Innocent- Our Lady Peace, Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance, Lay Lady Lay- Magnet (feat. Gemma Hayes), Hope- Apocalyptica, They- Jem, I'm Yours- Jason Mraz
I am really glad to have been with my boyfriend, but my feelings for him are gone, and he deserves to be with someone that adores him for who he is. I felt like either I had to change myself, or he had to change himself so our relationship could work, and that just isn't fair.
This guy has brought out a side of me that I haven't seen for a while, and that I've missed. I don't think that he even knows that, we never even talked that much before about a week ago.... We've only had one class together. But there's something about him, I don't know what it is, but I feel like he's actually listening to me.
Well, I have to go again, I think my Dad will be turning the net off soonish, so talk some more tomorrow!
Love you all!
Listening to: This Time Imperfect- A.F.I., Snow (Hey Oh)- Chili Peppers, Innocent- Our Lady Peace, Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance, Lay Lady Lay- Magnet (feat. Gemma Hayes), Hope- Apocalyptica, They- Jem, I'm Yours- Jason Mraz
I Don't Know What Happened....
I don’t know what happened,
I was too young to understand,
I was six.
When daddy moved away.
I didn’t understand what happened.
Why do I have to go look at daddy’s new house?
Why aren’t you coming mommy?
I wished forever that this would undue itself,
That mommy and daddy would fall in love again,
Just like the movies
But it wont.
And now,
I don’t understand
I don’t even know what it was like with them together
Having two parents together
Not having to go from one house to the other
I don’t remember
I was too young
I was only six
To this day, mommy still yells at daddy
Forget it!
I don’t want to understand
I want to forget
I wrote this poem last year for my Western Lit class when my teacher asked me to write about a time that I went through hell, this is my first draft, and I haven't been able to change it. It felt so raw to me, so meaning full, I didn't think that I could edit this and keep that feeling...
I read this at Inkslingers (my school's writing club) two days ago, and I couldn't even read it out loud, my friend AG offered to read it for me. And the reaction I got..... let's just say, I wasn't expecting it. (I even made Queen Shardlow cry). All I hope is that people don't read this and think that it's fake, or comment saying something that they don't mean.
But, please, comment. I want to know other people's reactions.
Listening to: Nothing, I'm in class
I was too young to understand,
I was six.
When daddy moved away.
I didn’t understand what happened.
Why do I have to go look at daddy’s new house?
Why aren’t you coming mommy?
I wished forever that this would undue itself,
That mommy and daddy would fall in love again,
Just like the movies
But it wont.
And now,
I don’t understand
I don’t even know what it was like with them together
Having two parents together
Not having to go from one house to the other
I don’t remember
I was too young
I was only six
To this day, mommy still yells at daddy
Forget it!
I don’t want to understand
I want to forget
I wrote this poem last year for my Western Lit class when my teacher asked me to write about a time that I went through hell, this is my first draft, and I haven't been able to change it. It felt so raw to me, so meaning full, I didn't think that I could edit this and keep that feeling...
I read this at Inkslingers (my school's writing club) two days ago, and I couldn't even read it out loud, my friend AG offered to read it for me. And the reaction I got..... let's just say, I wasn't expecting it. (I even made Queen Shardlow cry). All I hope is that people don't read this and think that it's fake, or comment saying something that they don't mean.
But, please, comment. I want to know other people's reactions.
Listening to: Nothing, I'm in class
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
First one
Well, guys, here goes nothing.
I don't really know if people will actually read this, or even really care, but I figure, why not? It's worth a shot, right?
What can I say? Well, to start out, I must say that my friend JS was the one that thought of the title for my blog, I told him to think of me, and this is what he came up with.
My friends and family are my life, no joke. They come before anything else.
I am currently dating, but that relationship is very much on the rocks, the only thing is, I don't think that he actually knows it yet.... Which is kinda sad in its own way, he really doesn't know what's coming, and I feel horrible about this whole thing. But, I feel like it's all for the best in the end, really.
Well, I have to go to bed (my mom cuts the internet off at "9", and our clocks are about 15 mins fast),
~Andie
Song listening to: Love Song for a Savior by Jars of Clay
I don't really know if people will actually read this, or even really care, but I figure, why not? It's worth a shot, right?
What can I say? Well, to start out, I must say that my friend JS was the one that thought of the title for my blog, I told him to think of me, and this is what he came up with.
My friends and family are my life, no joke. They come before anything else.
I am currently dating, but that relationship is very much on the rocks, the only thing is, I don't think that he actually knows it yet.... Which is kinda sad in its own way, he really doesn't know what's coming, and I feel horrible about this whole thing. But, I feel like it's all for the best in the end, really.
Well, I have to go to bed (my mom cuts the internet off at "9", and our clocks are about 15 mins fast),
~Andie
Song listening to: Love Song for a Savior by Jars of Clay
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