Guilty

Okay, what I said earlier about my friends' relationship, I feel really bad for saying the things that I said. What I said was not true and down right mean. It took a conversation with Lydia to make me realize that I really miss Jason as a friend:

L- jason will be back on monday (yay) u can talk to him too
A- yay!
L- mhm
A- now that you mention it, i kind of miss him too
L- yeah does your stomach hurt too?
A- no, not really
L- oh ok
A- i just miss talking to him
L- me too
A- mhm well, at least we can talk to each other, right?
L- mhm, are you still mad at him btw?
A- no, and i was never mad
L- oh
A- what?
L- you were never mad?
A- nope
L- but you thought he was ignoring you... and you were mad..
A- no, i was just frustrated and disappointed
L- because you thought he was ignoring you ?
A- no, well, somewhat
L- because of what happened at the dance?
A- no, well, sorta yeah
L- yeah, and because you thought he didnt talk to you as much anymore?
sorta and (like kelsey) were you afraid that im going to hurt him like claire did?
was it all of those combined?
A- yeah, sorta
L- yeah, i'm just glad kelsey understands now
A- what makes you think that i don't?
L- we had a deep conversation, were good now, well, i never said you didn't, i'm not sure
A- okay, how can i show you that i understand and him?
L- mk, i'll show you from his point of view:
to him, you insulted him, and then insulted me, and then ignored him. so he was mad at you for that still. and then you kept ignoring him, and he was getting "fed up" with you being friends, and then randomly ignoring him. so he wasn't mad, but he said he just needed some space for a little while.
and now he wants to be friends, and he says you are still ignoring him...
and he says you want him to say sorry
but he doesn't know what to apologize for
A- how does he not know what to apologize for with me, and know what to say sorry for with Kelsey
L- i talked to kelsey, and she actually apologized to him, then he apologized, now they arent fighting anymore
and i learned how much kelsey actually cares about him as a friend when i talked to her
A- okay
L- (its a lot, btw) just saying
A- yeah, i know, and he's a great friend to me as well
L- mhm
A- i miss him so much
L- me too
A- it hurt so much when i was frustrated with him, it was easier to tell myself that i didn't need him as a friend, and when i had those feelings, those filled up the space that he left
you know?
only when i started to calm down did i realize how much i must have actually hurt him
and then the full of it hit me
i didn't just lose a friend
he was so much more to me
and i really messed that up
L- what do you mean? like he helped with problems and stuff?
he's good at that
that, and he listened to me when i just needed someone to listen to me
and when i asked for help
yeah
he would help
yeah
he really is perfect, isnt he?
yeah, i know
you dont need to remind me, i know how lucky i am to have him
*smiles* and you are really lucky to have you
hmm?
*to have him
damn train of thought going faster than my hands can type
haha
yeah, i know. i dont know what i did to deserve him, but whatever it is im thankful for it every day
*sigh*
i miss him so much
and talking with you these past week has made me realize that he is really lucky to have you as well
hmm?
he's lucky to have you as a girl friend
i see how happy you make him
and i am so thankful for that
after what he went through, he deserves to be happy
thank you
mhm
and i'm sorry that i didn't see that sooner
thank you
will you forgive me?
no reason to, i was never mad
okay
but thank you
and i promise, i will never hurt him like claire did
for that matter, i will never hurt at all
hurt him*
damn i'm tired
anyway, he is the most import person in the world to me and i promise to take care of him
thank you, that means so much to me
and i like to think that i make him happy too
but i want to be more than just the person who makes him happy... i want to be the one he can talk to, the one who is always there for him, the person he can trust, the one who will trust him, i want to be the kind of person who will always tell the truth, and the one who will help him when he is sad, and the one who will be happy for him when his life is good. i want to be the one who makes sure he is never alone, and the one who will take care of him.
and i am trying to make all of these things happen
well, i hope you know that i hope to be that person too
but i think i'll leave the physical part to you, if you don't mind
haha thanks