It's been a while

Not that too many people are reading this...

But I don't know where to begin...

I'm now a senior, and have all the stress that brings along with it. But that's just part of life.

I've gotten into one college, it isn't my top choice, but I'm glad that the pressure is off, and that I now know that I can get into college.

I currently have a major crush, but can't really do anything about it. I know for a fact that he just wants to be friends. Well, that's what my birdies tell me... I don't know wether to believe them or not. But there is just that something about him that makes me not want to give up...

Depression and anger have been a big problem for me lately, and I don't really know how to deal with it... I've tried just about everything. So far, for me, the best things are crying, writing, music, and exercising my self as hard as I can. I do that until I'm in pain. Those things only work sometimes. And the thing is, I'm tired of being sad. And I am so very tired of being angry. I've gotten to the point where I just want to shout at everyone in front of me. To scream myself into silence, to scream my pain away...

Your Disconcerted Friend

Listening to: My "Angry" Playlist

Friend One

I thought that I should give credit to all of my friends out there, and to do that, I'll create a blog entry dedicated to a random friend that day.  (These are in no specific order)

Todays friend: Brittany

First time I saw her- First day of Kindergarden at MPA, but we didn't know each other.

When we became friends- We met on the first day of first grade, in Mrs. Meland's class.  Now, I don't know exactly how we met, but from that day forth, until she left MPA, we were inseparable.

Why we became friends/stayed friends- We absolutely loved each other. We could/can relate on so many levels, we could talk about boys (changed to being mainly celebrities), our latest crushes (known to change daily), boyfriends, Disney World (and the other exciting parts of Disney and his movies), other movies (changed from cartoons to ones with our favorite actors- Johnny Depp, Daniel Radcliff, Orlando Bloom, Rupert Grint; just to name a few), families, pets, school, grades, projects, favorite food (hers being chocolate, mine ever changing), sports, games (by that, I mean the Harry Potter computer games- which are AWESOME), and so much more.

Some of my greatest memories of her were after middle school dances.  For some reason, we would always end up at her house (never planning before hand, but I think our parents got used to it), in her queen-sized bed, writing back and forth in a journal about what had happened that night or the "current events" in our grade.  Memorable topics- how many times I tried to avoid my new crush (Gus), after leaving love notes in his locker- him tracking me down/becoming my boyfriend, how many times/how I had kissed said BF, what happened/how we broke up, how many times we danced with how many different boys, the good songs, my one on-going crush (John- who I doubt he even knows that I had a crush on him for about 5 years), her crush of the time (Jason), ratting on our enemies, and our girl friends.

We went to/worked at girl scout camps for years, side by side, laughing all the way.  We had each others backs through many a hard project through school.  Did arts and crafts, cooked, sang in choirs (she was always a first soprano, and I was always an alto).  We laughed, cried, and  complained together.

Most memorable moment-  (This is going to sound very dirty, but NONE of it was) When our 7th grade class took a trip to Washington DC, and I shared a room with Britt, Christine, and Tess (who I shall talk about later).  There were only two queen-sized beds, and we used the logic that, Brittany being the smallest, and I being the biggest, should share a bed, and Christine and Tess would share the other (seeing as we'd fit better this way).  Well, as most people who know me know, I move a lot in my sleep, and I sleep very hard, and this did not go well for poor Britt.  Even having shared a bed before, I had never moved as much as I did the first night there.  All I know was I feel asleep on one side of the bed (Britt on the other), and woke up about 3 am, with Brittany under me, and Christine and Tess laughing their heads off.  Let's just say, I rolled off, and we all laughed for 30 mins straight.

Lowest moment- When Britt and I were fighting.  When she left MPA, she still came to the dances, and one time, she didn't talk to me the whole night until I confronted her.  We both went away upset, and for about a year, I went on thinking she hated me, and she went on thinking I hated her.

Last time I saw her- We got together last weekend to go see the latest Johnny Depp and Christian Bale movie- Public Enemies.  We got there, and realized too late that she forgot her ID, and as it was rated R, we couldn't get tickets (as I am not 21, I could not buy for her).  So, we had a problem, we had come there to see this movie, but could not.  I very soon came to the conclusion that we would have to "see" another movie (aka- buy tickets to one movie, and sneak into Public Enemies)  So I purchased tickets to see GI Joe, which was playing at the same time as PE.  We go in, buy our foods, and walk to where GI Joe was playing, and came to the fact that PE was playing at the opposite side of the cinema.  So, giggling, we suck around the guy that had just checked our tickets, and ran to the correct theatre, and enjoyed the movie we came here to see.

I love this girl to death, and she has been beside me through so much, and has put up with so much from me.  I doubt that I would be who I am if I hadn't met her.

Reminiscing,

~Andie

Listening to: 50 Jokes in 4 Minutes

This Summer

Where can I start? So much has happened to me this summer, I was gone for more than half of it, I swear!

Well, I guess a good place to start would be the fact that I went out of the country for the first time in my life.  I went to Ecuador with my school.  I'd have to say that this was a once-in-a-lifetime things, and I am so glad that I did it.  The first week we did home stays in the capital Quito, went to school, and did touristy things around the capital.  Then we went to the Amazon, where we were put into groups, and you had to eat all meals and hike around with these groups.  I was the only girl in my group, and I had the time of my life.  The group of guys that I was with was totally awesome!  They really got me thinking about somethings, and made me realize what I really want in a guy, and that guy just so happens to have been right in front of me for the past 5/6 years.  (Sadly, I doubt he thinks of me that way, but you never know, right?)  And then we spent a week in the Galapagos on a yacht.  This had to be my least favorite part of the trip, but that may just be because I got seasick the first night, I never got to swim, and I thought all of the islands smelt like poop.... If I could do this trip over again, I totally would.

And then I got to go to Walla Walla, Washington and Portland, Oregon with my mom and my little sister.  I looked at the U of O, and I really want to go there, but I doubt that I'll be able to get in.

And just a few days later, my family (mom and sisters) took a road trip to Bayfield, WI.  We stayed at a friend's condo, and it was absolutely amazing.  I went sailing for the first time, among many other firsts on this trip.  I really hope to go there again.

But on the down side, I have had some real friend trouble this summer.  Everything from a friend not talking to me because I crossed the line by threatening his girlfriend, and now we are talking again, (which makes me SOOOOOOO HAPPY!) to having a friend stop talking to me for no reason, (but I know the reason.... I think) and then having a very close friend write about those closest to them, and not even mentioning me.

I am nothing without my friends, they are my life raft, I don't know what to do with this.  I guess I'm not as important to my friends as I thought...

Peace out,

~Andie

Listening to: The Beatles, Across the Universe

Texts

I know that I shouldn't have sent him this in a text, but I did:

Jason, I understand that all you want is to be happy, and for those you love to be happy.  That's all I want for you too, and obviously Lydia makes you happy.  I have been fighting over with what I should do, and I figured that yelling won't do anything, there is really only one other thing that I can think to do.  So, I am just going to step aside.  Lydia has won, you can tell her that she has won.  I don't hate you, honestly.  I love you, which is why I am willing to do this. So, goodbye.

And then he goes and shows her.

Pissed,

~Andie

Letting People In

I've let very few people get close to me.  And those few people have hurt me the worst.

Throughout lower school, my closest friend was Brittany, and no matter how many fights we got into, no matter how mad we got at each other, we both knew that it was all going to be okay, and that things between us were good.  But after 7th grade, she had to leave my school, and we didn't talk for months.  And she was the first friend I lost.  The first one that meant so much to me, that I physically hurt when she left.

During that time, I had another great great friend named Helen.  She and I had been going to the same school since Kindergarden, but never became friends until 5th grade.  I went to her house more times that year then I had any of my other friends combined.  We had a blast, we would play dolls, sing, dance, play computer games, and run around outside.  But then her mother decided to pull her out of school for home schooling.  We kept in touch, saw each other once in a while, but then our lives started getting busier and busier, and we heading off in opposite directions.  But this one hadn't hurt as much, this one was more gradual.

In 6th grade, I found Christine, and she and I got along so well.  Helen had introduced us the year before, but we never clicked until the next year, when we both lost our good friend.  She and I could talk about movies and books for hours!  Our favorites being books written by Tamora Pierce or the Lord of the Rings Movie Trilogy.  Or we'd talk about boys, her obsession being Elijah Wood, and mine being Orlando Bloom or Viggo Mortensen.  And through boy obsession, we found Tess.

Tess got us hooked on a not-so-little band called Greenday.  And, boy were we obsessed.  They had just come out with their album American Idiot, and we were crazy in love with them.  After 8th grade, Christine's parents took her out of MPA, and Tess and I were left alone to fend for ourselves.  She has been in and out of that major role for the past few years of my life, but when she needed me, I was there.  Her brother had died last year, and I doubt that there was any time that we were closer.  But we had both been drifting.

While drifting, I had found Julie, who I met in 7th grade, and she had entrusted me with her biggest secret, and I had been so deeply, honored, and we have been very close, and very open with each other since.  But, she, like Tess, has always been in my life, but not fully there all the time.

And then came freshman year, and my depression had really kicked in.  A wave of new people came, and Abby and I got fairly close.  I was the first person to really talk to her, but I hadn't known that, but it had stuck with her.  The next year, at our 10th grade respect retreat, she had told me how much that had meant to her.  I was stunned, I never, in my life, would have thought that I would have that kind of affect on someone.  But she, just like everyone else, faded away.

Sophomore year, I found Kelsey, I she stuck by my side through thick and thin.  She was there to hold me when I broke down into tears at her house at 3am, after we had learned that Tess's brother had died; she was there when I needed someone to sit next to me, and help me finish assignments; she was there for me when I thought that the whole world had turned its back on me, and didn't cared if i failed; but she did, she always cared. (Kels, if you're reading this, yes I am crying).  She was the light, the help that I needed when I was thinking about killing myself.  She was everything that I needed, and was there for me when I needed it.  Unfortunately, the next year, her close friend from her old school, Claire came, and the Kelsey I knew left me, when I was so desperately in need of her.

And then I found Jason, and I latched onto him as though my life depended on it.  He had been in my life since 7th grade, but at the time, he was just an annoying little hyper friend to me.  But now, he made me laugh when I was crying, he would tell me that I am important and that I do matter to the world.  Both of us were going through hard times, but we managed alright.  We would help each other out.  And then Lydia came, and she just took him right out of my life.  All of a sudden, I switched from defending him, to shouting, yelling, screaming, and ignoring him.  Lydia is his life, and I understand that now.

All I wanted was for these people to be happy, and when it seemed like their lives without me would make them happier, I quietly bowed out.  I've had friends taken from me too many times.  But that's what I get for letting the wrong people get so close.  I guess we all really have no one.  No one who will always be there, no matter how hard I try, and how stable I think that we are, there's always something that wedges in.  I just feel like I'm not important to anyone that way.  I used to be so close to Christine, Tess, Julie, Kelsey; but then things changed.  And I had to go to Jason, and PRAY that I could feel like that with him again.  But then Lydia came, and now I don't have anyone like that.  I don't have someone who will always be there for me, no matter what I say, or what I do, they always find some reason to go.

Quietly Yours,

~Andie

Listening to: Silence

Feeling Sick and Tired

Okay, there is just no other way of putting it: I am sick and tired of all this bullshit!

I'm sick of Jason and Lydia being unable to let go of each other for more than five seconds, how if they are in the same room, they can't be further than five feet apart from each other.  You guys are a couple, I get that, ANYONE WITH EYES GETS THAT!!  Have you ever heard the phrase, 'Get a room'?  Well, GO GET YOUR OWN SO MY EYES DON'T FEEL LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO BLEED!!! 

I'm tired of Mollie so pissed at every one, I am willing to bet my life that she doesn't know what or who she is mad at half the time!  She acts like the whole world is against her, when really, people just want to help her and make her happy.  Mollie, you HAVE friends, you have people that LOVE you and would DIE for you, STOP ACTING LIKE EVERYONE HATES YOU.  People WILL start hating you if you continue ignoring them, bitching at/about them, and being mad at them (for no reason).  You are bringing the fate upon yourself, the one that you think you have, but really, the one you don't have.

I'm sick of my friends.  Half of them don't even realize just how low I am, and most of them don't care, or they don't know what to do or how to help.  They ask me what they can do, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!  I don't even know fully why I am so down, so how am I supposed to tell you how to "help me", which I doubt that any of you can or want to.  I feel like pulling away, and I'm doing nothing to stop it, and neither are they.

Venting and Fuming,

~Andie

Listening to: Nothing

Quote That I Live By

There is this not very well-known movie, that is so awesome, that I cannot believe that it wasn't put into theaters, called 10 Inch Hero, here's the basic plot (from their official site):

Four friends deal with their love lives and learn about themselves while working in a funky

sandwich shop in Santa Cruz, California.

 

With the poignant humor and heart of Diner, The Breakfast Club, and Mystic Pizza, here

comes Ten Inch Hero much more than just a sandwich, it’s a story about finding love

where you least expect it.

 

Sex, love and laughs are part of the everyday life in this hip little sub shop in Santa Cruz.  

For the group of friends who work there, it's an oasis on the complex journey through

relationships, a place where they have each other to lean on as they find their way.

 

Piper (played by Elisabeth Harnois), an accomplished artist, comes to town in search of the child she gave up for adoption years earlier, but is surprised at what she finds.

 

Tish (played by Danneel Harris) is a knockout... and a nymphomaniac.  But when will she learn that sex is more than a weapon and find true love?

 

The irreverent and horny Priestly (played by the ever-gorgeous Jensen Ackles) dispenses free-wheeling comic advice to everyone, but how long can he hide his own feelings?

 

Shy Jen (played by Clea DuVall) watches life pass by, afraid to reach out, except through her e-mail romance with a mysterious stranger.  Maybe after Piper and Tish teach her a few things, she'll be ready to meet her online lover in person.

 

Trucker (played by John Doe), a surfer child of the 60s, knows about life.  He owns the sub shop, after all.  So why does he need his young staff to help him discover the love of his life? (Love of his life is Zo, played by Alice Krige)

 

The sign out front says it all: "Help Wanted: normal people need not apply."

This is just the most realistic quote that I could ever relate to that is said by Jen talking to Tish and Piper:

"Girls that look like you don't understand.  I always think like, if I lost 10 lbs. or wore different clothes or got new boobs, that it would make a difference.  But I know the truth... I didn't say that I didn't have a lot to offer, I said that people will never know because they don't see me.  How many proms did you miss because no one asked you?  How many times have your friends left you sitting alone at a club while they went and danced with guys?  Or how many times has a customer completely ignored you to get a better look at me?  So, until that happens, until you're told time and time again that your place in life is in the background, don't tell me it's bullshit, because you don't know."

Babe, the only thing that I can say is that I feel ya, I go through that day in and day out, hoping that day will be different, that I would change in other people's eyes, so that they would see me differently, see me for who I really was.

Teary,

~Andie

Listening to: Battle by Colbie Caillat

The Prom Date

In the olden days, if you were not asked to prom, if you had no date, you just did not go. These days, well, for the most part, people go regardless if they have a date or not. More people these days go with a group of friends, or have one of their best friends as their "date". That's what I did last year.

Last year, I went with my very close friend Kelsey. I had a pre-prom party at my house, pictures, dinner, ya know, the usual. A bunch of my friends came over (male and female), got ready, our parents fawned over us, taking millions of photos of the same things, couples gave each other the proper flowery arrangement to wear, we ate dinner, and drove to the dance at the James J. Hill House. We all had a blast, each of us beautifully dressed and made up.

Yet, this year, for some reason, I told myself that I wanted a date, not just a girl friend to go with, but a real date, preferably not a last resort. And I had this one guy in mind. Zach. He has been such a great friend to me these past few months that I've actually taken the time to get to know him. He was funny, sweet, understanding, funny, he wasn't afraid of me (as in, he gave his true opinion without being hesitant and worried that I might explode or break down). He is, unfortunately, not going to be at MPA next year, he is going to be going to Hill Murray. All I wanted to do, all I had in mind, was to take him to one MPA prom, as a friend, before he left.

I had been thinking about asking him two weeks ago. So, last Friday, my school performed our Spring Show "Cabaret", and Zach was doing sound for the entire show, he was in charge of mics, reverb., how loud the band was, everything. I came early to the show to see if I could offer my help for last-minute things. Zach was doing mic checks, and asked me to sit up next to him for the entire show! He said that he would like someone to talk to during the show, I was like, "Okay, sure, why not?" So, through out the show, he'd say things like, "Can you hear okay?", "Was that cool or what?", "I kinda hate that guy's voice, don't you?", "This song is my favorite in the entire show!" It was great! I had a blast just sitting or standing next to him. During intermission, he also learned just how ticklish I am. THAT was an interesting time.

So, I had told a few friends at what I was planning on doing, and when my friends convinced me, literally PUSHED me to ask him, I finally plucked up enough courage to go up and ask him. So, after the concert was over, I went up to him, and I finally asked him if he would go with me. After a long pause, "Sorry but no." It felt like my world had turned upside-down. He gave me a hug and said, "Thank you for asking me though." If he said anything to me after that, I have no idea. The minute he let go, I walked away, willing myself not to start crying in front of anyone.

I guess I must have liked him more than I thought I did, I didn't think that he would have such an affect on me. I went home, and for the next two nights, I cried myself to sleep. I don't even know why he said no, but I guess that doesn't really matter, does it?

Love,
~Andie

Listening to: This Time Imperfect- A.F.I.

A Little Thing That Facebook Said About Me

You're a free spirit
Key Traits: romantic, dreamer, fickle, communicative, eager, fun, sprightly You're a free and creative spirit. Some people might call you a non-conformist, but you'd like to think of yourself as one who sees beauty where others might miss it.
You are inspired and feel passionate about the little things -- the way the sun beams through a window, a memorable guitar riff, a sparkle in someone's eye. Face it. You're a romantic, and even a bit on the wild side when it comes to sex. Your friends and family enjoy your company and value the way you view the world through your own kaleidoscope.
People love how imaginative and expressive you are. On the flip side, it takes a lot to keep your attention. But when you encounter someone who can pique your interest and complement your creative disposition, it will be rewarding and powerful!

I guess for the most part, a lot of this is true.

Out,
~Andie

Listening to: S.O.S. (Anything But Love)

Just How I Really Feel Right Now

______________________________________________________________

I never lie

*laughs* Or so people think.
I try not to. If someone asks me a question that I am not comfortable answering, I tell them that I won't answer, or I tactfully change topics. I hate lying. But when it comes to how I feel, you know, how I truly feel, not just in that one second, but over all.

For some reason, when it comes to answering that question, I always find myself lying. Am I fine? No. I haven't been fine in a long time. Weeks, months, maybe even years, I don't know. I feel like I'll never actually be fully okay, or "fine".

But then again, we all kind of lie when it comes to this question. At least, I know that I am not alone in it.

Why do we do this? Why do we constantly hide ourselves? Is it an attempt to protect ourselves from other? Then again, how does that protect us? It hurts us more then helps us. When not telling the truth about this to someone, they can't help you if you need it, can they
?

Peace,
~Andie

Listening to: Travelin' Soldier- Dixie Chicks, Europop- Eiffel 65

A Secluded World

You want to be left alone? Just put on your head phones, turn the music up as loud as you can take it, and then pray to god that every one will just ignore you. Let the music take you into another world, music lets me escape the things that I don't want to think about, escape the things I don't want to remember. It helps me forget, just for a few, glorious seconds, I can have peace in this crazy world.

Out,
~Andie

Listening to: Sanctus Real

Help Me

I take a ragged breath,
I call out for you, in pain,

Help me

You turn
I reach for you with shaking hands,
eyes watery and pleading with you to take them,

Help me
I'm sorry

you look at me in the eyes,
you turn and walk away,

Help me
I'm sorry,
I'm lost without you

I scream
Begging for forgiveness

Help me
I'm sorry,
I'm lost without you,
Help me find me

You held part of me
You completed my soul
You were part of me
I am nothing without you

Help me
I'm sorry,
I'm lost without you

You turned and walked away when I needed you most
You walked away from me,
Without a care in the world
You forgot me

Help me
I'm sorry

My hands fall to my side
I crumple to the ground
Tears pouring down my face
Wanting to sink into the earth
Never wanting to be seen again

Help me

I needed saving
I lay shuddering and shaking
Pleading to whom ever hears

HELP ME
SAVE ME

Guilty

Okay, what I said earlier about my friends' relationship, I feel really bad for saying the things that I said. What I said was not true and down right mean. It took a conversation with Lydia to make me realize that I really miss Jason as a friend:

L- jason will be back on monday (yay) u can talk to him too
A- yay!
L- mhm
A- now that you mention it, i kind of miss him too
L- yeah does your stomach hurt too?
A- no, not really
L- oh ok
A- i just miss talking to him
L- me too
A- mhm well, at least we can talk to each other, right?
L- mhm, are you still mad at him btw?
A- no, and i was never mad
L- oh
A- what?
L- you were never mad?
A- nope
L- but you thought he was ignoring you... and you were mad..
A- no, i was just frustrated and disappointed
L- because you thought he was ignoring you ?
A- no, well, somewhat
L- because of what happened at the dance?
A- no, well, sorta yeah
L- yeah, and because you thought he didnt talk to you as much anymore?
sorta and (like kelsey) were you afraid that im going to hurt him like claire did?
was it all of those combined?
A- yeah, sorta
L- yeah, i'm just glad kelsey understands now
A- what makes you think that i don't?
L- we had a deep conversation, were good now, well, i never said you didn't, i'm not sure
A- okay, how can i show you that i understand and him?
L- mk, i'll show you from his point of view:
to him, you insulted him, and then insulted me, and then ignored him. so he was mad at you for that still. and then you kept ignoring him, and he was getting "fed up" with you being friends, and then randomly ignoring him. so he wasn't mad, but he said he just needed some space for a little while.
and now he wants to be friends, and he says you are still ignoring him...
and he says you want him to say sorry
but he doesn't know what to apologize for
A- how does he not know what to apologize for with me, and know what to say sorry for with Kelsey
L- i talked to kelsey, and she actually apologized to him, then he apologized, now they arent fighting anymore
and i learned how much kelsey actually cares about him as a friend when i talked to her
A- okay
L- (its a lot, btw) just saying
A- yeah, i know, and he's a great friend to me as well
L- mhm
A- i miss him so much
L- me too
A- it hurt so much when i was frustrated with him, it was easier to tell myself that i didn't need him as a friend, and when i had those feelings, those filled up the space that he left
you know?
only when i started to calm down did i realize how much i must have actually hurt him
and then the full of it hit me
i didn't just lose a friend
he was so much more to me
and i really messed that up
L- what do you mean? like he helped with problems and stuff?
he's good at that
that, and he listened to me when i just needed someone to listen to me
and when i asked for help
yeah
he would help
yeah
he really is perfect, isnt he?
yeah, i know
you dont need to remind me, i know how lucky i am to have him
*smiles* and you are really lucky to have you
hmm?
*to have him
damn train of thought going faster than my hands can type
haha
yeah, i know. i dont know what i did to deserve him, but whatever it is im thankful for it every day
*sigh*
i miss him so much
and talking with you these past week has made me realize that he is really lucky to have you as well
hmm?
he's lucky to have you as a girl friend
i see how happy you make him
and i am so thankful for that
after what he went through, he deserves to be happy
thank you
mhm
and i'm sorry that i didn't see that sooner
thank you
will you forgive me?
no reason to, i was never mad
okay
but thank you
and i promise, i will never hurt him like claire did
for that matter, i will never hurt at all
hurt him*
damn i'm tired
anyway, he is the most import person in the world to me and i promise to take care of him
thank you, that means so much to me
and i like to think that i make him happy too
but i want to be more than just the person who makes him happy... i want to be the one he can talk to, the one who is always there for him, the person he can trust, the one who will trust him, i want to be the kind of person who will always tell the truth, and the one who will help him when he is sad, and the one who will be happy for him when his life is good. i want to be the one who makes sure he is never alone, and the one who will take care of him.
and i am trying to make all of these things happen
well, i hope you know that i hope to be that person too
but i think i'll leave the physical part to you, if you don't mind
haha thanks

Inside

So many secrets,
So many lies.
It's all I can do to keep them inside.
Some belonging to my friends,
But so many more that are my own.
They fester there,
Breaking me from the inside, out.
Filling my head with thoughts that shouldn't belong.
Pulling me away from the ones that I love.
Filling my body with emotions unknown.
Taking over my soul.

Because

"What?"
The simplest of questions.
I just wanted to talk to you.

"What do you want to talk about?"
What is asked in awkward moments.
Anything you want.

"What should I do?"
The classic question, asking for advice.
Do what you want to.

"What do you suggest that I do?!"
Something that is constantly asked,
but is never answered in a way that the questioner wants.
Do what you think is best.

"What do you want me to do?!"
The question that might be the end.
Smile, laugh, be happy.

"What do you want from me?!"
I hear that day in, day out.
I want nothing but your friendship.

"Why?"
Another one of those simple questions,
But harder to answer.
Because you mean something to me.

"Why me?"
A question that everyone wants the answer to.
Why not you?

"How?"
The question that doesn't always have an answer.
You have made an impact on my life.
You are my world.

We'll Be There, Forever and For Always

Dear Jason,

What can I say? What do you want to hear?

You want to hear that I support you, you and your decision to put this girl you just started going out with over your friends. You want us to accept Lydia, for us to treat her nicely, or at least with respect. You want us to put up with you making out in the commons, to accept the way that you are "balancing" you life.

I know what you want to hear, but what you want to hear is something that I cannot say without speaking the truth.

We were there for you when you needed someone. When you felt like you were broken into tiny pieces, we were there. All those times you vented and yelled at me, I took it, I let you insult me, knowing that in doing so would make you feel better. When you would drink, punch the walls, or drive fast to get your anger out; we were there to understand. When we warned you that you were going to get hurt, we still backed you up when you decided to do it anyway. When you realized that your decision was wrong, your friends were the ones that didn't say "I told you so." When we asked you to slow down, and not to take too much at once. We stood beside you when, once again, you didn't take our advice. I was there when you asked me to pick a side when your relationship went downhill, and I stood by your side, even though I had become a friend in her. It was you, Jason, that I came to for advice because I knew that I could trust you. You could talk to me about anything, and I wouldn't judge you, no matter what. I did all of these things for you because you are important to me, and you mean something to me.

Why are you completely destroying your relationships for this one girl? Your friends that you have had for what feels like a lifetime, and made memories with. We have done so much for you. She may mean a lot to you now, but who do you picture yourself with, years down the road? She wasn't there when you suffered or when you were in pain. Think about this, Jase, think about it hard. The thing is, I don't think that you realize this, I doubt that you can realize this, not yet, anyways, but you will.

You are like family to me, Jase, but I feel like you are just taking that relationship for granted. No matter what, I will always be there for you, through thick and thin, good times and bad times. But you are right, this is your decision, and I am not here to judge. I am done being mad, Jason, I am done judging you, I am hurt, and all I want to do is cry.

I will be there for you when this relationship takes a turn for the worse, when your heart falls into little pieces again. I will be there to defend you when people say, "I told you so." Trust me, this day will come. When it does, I will be there for you, and I hope that your other friends will be too.

Nothingness

Here goes nothing...
No,
Here goes everything.
Happiness, Pain, Joy
Seclusion, Friendship, Loneliness
Love, Hate

Here goes all emotion
Emptiness
Vast nothingness
Inside me
My thoughts echoing around inside me

No noise to hear
No voice to cry out with

No pain and no happiness
What is there that is left?
NOTHING

I have nothing
I am nothing

All I want is to feel something
ANYTHING!
Pain, Suffering, Disgust, Sickness

All I wish for is to be simple
Friendship, Laughter,
Human touch

I am asking too much,
I cannot get what I wish for,
Wishing is for those who cannot want,
Wishing is for those who have nothing left.
I cannot wish,
Even though I have nothing

3rd Wheel

Sometimes I feel like I just get in the way of things, like I'm the third wheel, the odd person out, that person that makes it one-to-many.

In Chemistry, my lab partners and I will be doing a lab, but they do everything. Labs are my favorite part of Chemistry, but I can never do any of the work, and when they get the information, they don't even bother to tell me what they got. Then they start acting like they are frustrated with me for not doing any of the work, but how is that my fault?! When I offer my help, they are all like, "No, it's okay, we've got it." So, by the time I get the information that I need for the lab, the lab is already late, and I don't know how to write the conclusion because I have no idea what happened or what caused it to happen!

It happens when I hang out with friends, or when we have discussions, ANYTHING, I am the only "lifer" in my friend group, and they all seem to have known each other from somewhere before MPA. I don't share the same memories that they already have together, but if I can't make my own with them, how could I not become a third wheel? This happens even at home, my mom always sides with one of my sisters (never me, everything is always my fault) my dad and step mom are always teamed together, and my sisters J and M always gang up on me when there is an argument coming around. I'm getting tired of it, I need to find someone or some group where I won't feel like the odd-man-out.

Out,
~Andie

Listening to: Flames and POPs in the Chemistry Lab

This Damn Week

This week has been going from bad to worse.

I didn't know that we were going to have a test in Lit until 5 minutes before the class started.
I didn't study for the test.
I lost ALL of my notes and analysis for my paper that is due at the end of the week.
I have to research/write the paper.
I have to study for the final on Thursday.
We started a new, complicated lab in Chemistry.
I have to finish two tests in Chem.
I have to study for the final on Thursday.
When I got home, I realized that I wore TWO DIFFERENT PAIRS OF SHOES TO SCHOOL!!!!
I have a performance today in Modern Theater that my partner Kelsey and I have only really run through it once.
My friend is dating a fucking annoying whore.
No matter what I do, or where I go, I feel like I'm about to cry, and I don't understand why.

Someone PLEASE help me out of this misery?
~Andie

Listening to: Nothing, I'm in class

THAT'S IT!

Okay, I'm done, I'm not going to stand for this anymore.
Jason, I'm sorry, but you have this coming to you, and you have for a LONG time.
What you have done hasn't offended me, it pisses me off. You think that you can treat your friends the way you have been, you DISGUST me! When a new girl comes around, and you start going out with her, you do NOT just leave your friends in the dust and put her feelings first. I personally think, and I know that I am not the only one who thinks this, is that, if your friends don't like who you are dating, you shouldn't date her. And it's not like only some of them are annoyed by her, but ALL of them are.

Here is a lovely conversation that Jason had with my friend Kelsey last night:
3/9/09, 9:41 PM
K-hey
J-hi
K-so watcha doin?
J-being ripped on by andie, AGAIN (Sorry for expressing my opinion, everyone is thinking the same thing, only I have the guts to bring it to your attention)
K-*raises eyebrow*
J-well, dont tell her that i told you this, but shes complaining about lydia, AGAIN
J-i get that you and her and claire dont really like lydia, but at least you can give it a rest
this is getting to the point where i cant even stand talking to her
K-ok... but is there maybe some truth to what andie is saying?
J-yes, there is, sorta (Sorta? Just sorta? IT'S THE WHOLE TRUTH, MY LITTLE MAN!!)
J-but what shes asking me to do is too much
K-what exactly is she asking u to do?(All I asked was for him to create a better balance between his girl friend and his friends, is that asking too much?)
J-basically dump lydia (I have never said that, and I would never, EVER ask him to do that)
K-ok so im not trying to say u should dump her or whatever cuz i am glad that ur happy if its with her, then i can deal with that
K-but what did u do at the dance?
J-we just danced
J-and kissed, a few times(A few times? You guys were practically glued at the hips, hands, and lips)
K-and who did u talk to at the dance?
J-unlike claire she actually likes to do things together
J-uh, JJ, PK, AL, SA, AS, GL, KR, MH, JB, CB, N, K..... (Jason, you only said hi to those people, and told them that Lydia was your fucking girl friend)(Oh, you should also know, John is very mad at you for that)
J-lydia, BY, AH, BH.....
J-the list goes on and on (Maybe you should make a list of people that you said more than 10 words to them the entire night, oh wait, THERE ISN'T ONE)
J-and to answer your next question, andrea was NOWHERE to be seen, i was on the dance floor the whole time, DANCING, like you do, at a DANCE (Okay, Jason, I was right by the front door, and yes, you did talk to me, you asked me, "Where is she?" and that was it, I was dancing withing 5 feet of you the ENTIRE night, I saw everything you and L did, and I wanted to throw up!)
K-i didnt even ask
J-that night was essentially a date for L and i, sorry if i offended anyone by that (No, last night was a night for the entire high school, if you call that a date, you are a sad, sad person, and a lame date. You offended no one, just made a TON of people mad)

Jason, I am happy for you for finding someone new that you care about, but you seem to be leaving your friends in the dust, the ones that normally are there for you. I want you to step back, and look at what you are doing, at this rate, you will have no one left to be there for you, either to pick up the pieces from the breakup (like we have done in the past), or even to be there for you to just hang out with. I am going to try something, it may end up being perminant, and it may not be, but I'm going to stop talking to you, and going to try to stop hanging around you, see if you notice.... Think about it Jason, what means more to you, this one girl that you just recently started to go out with, or your entire group of friends. I'm not saying that you should dump her, but get your priorities straight, which, when it's all said and done, would you rather have there to back you?

Pissed off,
~Andie

Listening to: Nothing, too furious to even PICK music

Screaming

I feel like crying. I feel like curling up and dying.
I have no idea what to do anymore, I haven't even started writing the paper that is due on Friday, I have to analyze, create a thesis, get it okayed with my teacher, research, write my paper, get it edited by my peer editors, edit it, give it to my teacher to edit, edit it again, and then turn it in. I really don't think that I can do it, ever time that I think about it, I feel like I am going to explode!
I am in WAY over my head. I can't go more then a few steps, a few minutes, with out feeling like I am about to cry in front of everyone.
I feel like that, every decision that I make, is the wrong one, a bad one, and no matter what I do, I can't go back on it, I can't undo what I did. But for whatever stupid reason, I find myself unable to ask for help, and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper.

Help!
~Andie

Listening to: Nada

Something new for you to try

This may not sound fun to most people, but those who know me, won't be very shocked...
Walking BAREFOOT in the SNOW
You'd be surprised at just how good it feels! I missed walking around out side with bare feet, so I thought, why can't I? So, I did, and I think I scared a few people, but, really, it was AWESOME!!
You should not go through with out at least trying this fun little thing to do.
(DISCLAIMER: I have abnormally high body temperature for humans, if my mother did not threaten to hide my sandles/actually hide them, I would wear them all year long; if my friends are cold, they come and hug me, no joke)

Listening to: Lower schoolers play the drums

OUT!
~Andie

Yeah, okay, my life officially sucks

There is really just no other way to put it, my life SUCKS!!
I just took a chemistry test that I did not study for, and I am pretty sure that I failed epically.
I had my first meeting with my college councilor, and it was the most awkward thing in the world, I felt like she wouldn't shut up! She would just ramble on and on about basically nothing, it felt very repetitive, not to mention, I had the stupid class right after it. So, basically, I had a bunch of stuff thrown at me, that, really, I already knew.
I am pretty sure that my boyfriend is avoiding me now, I think he suspects something, and I don't know what to do about it! How can I break up with him if I can't FIND him, let alone, TALK to him.
If anyone has ANY suggestions on what I should do, that would be GREAT!

I just want Spring Break to be here, and for finals to be over and done with. Not to mention my break up.

Listening to: Nothing, I'm sitting in the hall, and I can't really listen to any whilst sitting where I am.

Peace,
~Andie

Wow...

I'm pretty sure that I just learned more about a guy in one hour than I did with my 7-month boyfriend, just by playing 20 Questions! What does that mean? That this guy is deeper, and that my boyfriend is just shallow? Or has this guy just had more happen to him in his life?

I am really glad to have been with my boyfriend, but my feelings for him are gone, and he deserves to be with someone that adores him for who he is. I felt like either I had to change myself, or he had to change himself so our relationship could work, and that just isn't fair.

This guy has brought out a side of me that I haven't seen for a while, and that I've missed. I don't think that he even knows that, we never even talked that much before about a week ago.... We've only had one class together. But there's something about him, I don't know what it is, but I feel like he's actually listening to me.

Well, I have to go again, I think my Dad will be turning the net off soonish, so talk some more tomorrow!

Love you all!

Listening to: This Time Imperfect- A.F.I., Snow (Hey Oh)- Chili Peppers, Innocent- Our Lady Peace, Disenchanted- My Chemical Romance, Lay Lady Lay- Magnet (feat. Gemma Hayes), Hope- Apocalyptica, They- Jem, I'm Yours- Jason Mraz

I Don't Know What Happened....

I don’t know what happened,
I was too young to understand,
I was six.
When daddy moved away.
I didn’t understand what happened.
Why do I have to go look at daddy’s new house?
Why aren’t you coming mommy?

I wished forever that this would undue itself,
That mommy and daddy would fall in love again,
Just like the movies
But it wont.

And now,
I don’t understand
I don’t even know what it was like with them together
Having two parents together
Not having to go from one house to the other
I don’t remember
I was too young
I was only six

To this day, mommy still yells at daddy
Forget it!
I don’t want to understand
I want to forget

I wrote this poem last year for my Western Lit class when my teacher asked me to write about a time that I went through hell, this is my first draft, and I haven't been able to change it. It felt so raw to me, so meaning full, I didn't think that I could edit this and keep that feeling...
I read this at Inkslingers (my school's writing club) two days ago, and I couldn't even read it out loud, my friend AG offered to read it for me. And the reaction I got..... let's just say, I wasn't expecting it. (I even made Queen Shardlow cry). All I hope is that people don't read this and think that it's fake, or comment saying something that they don't mean.

But, please, comment. I want to know other people's reactions.

Listening to: Nothing, I'm in class

First one

Well, guys, here goes nothing.
I don't really know if people will actually read this, or even really care, but I figure, why not? It's worth a shot, right?
What can I say? Well, to start out, I must say that my friend JS was the one that thought of the title for my blog, I told him to think of me, and this is what he came up with.
My friends and family are my life, no joke. They come before anything else.
I am currently dating, but that relationship is very much on the rocks, the only thing is, I don't think that he actually knows it yet.... Which is kinda sad in its own way, he really doesn't know what's coming, and I feel horrible about this whole thing. But, I feel like it's all for the best in the end, really.
Well, I have to go to bed (my mom cuts the internet off at "9", and our clocks are about 15 mins fast),
~Andie

Song listening to: Love Song for a Savior by Jars of Clay